Just Say No - The Right Way

By John Holt, Cornerstone Psychological Services

You have a lot of responsibilities at home, work, church and in other organizations you belong to. Sometimes your plate is piled too high with deadlines and obligations and sometimes you just need to stop and ask yourself: Am I trying to cram too many activities into too little time? If so, a great stress management tool is as simple as just saying no.

So, what is so hard about saying no? It might hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. If you work with the person asking, saying “no” in the wrong way might jeopardize a good working relationship.

But, there does come a time when you should say no to requests or tell someone you must give up a task. Saying no is not a selfish act. In fact, it may be the most beneficial thing that you can do for your family and other commitments. When you say no, you'll be able to spend quality time on the things you've already said yes to.

Sometimes it's tough to determine which activities deserve your time and attention. How do we know when to say no?

• Examine your current obligations and overall priorities before making any new commitments. Ask yourself if the new commitment is important to you. If it's something that you feel strongly about, by all means do it.
• Is the new activity that you're considering a short-term or long-term commitment? If an activity is going to end up being another source of stress in your life, especially for the long term, take a pass.
• Let go of guilt. Again, saying no is not selfish.
• Keep your current commitments in check. If you have relatives coming over for dinner, you don’t have to prepare a three course meal, just keep it simple and order pizza.
• Sleep on it. When someone makes a request, it is always okay to say, “Let me think about it.” In thinking it over, remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you.
• Yes versus stress. If you say yes when you want to say no you will feel resentful throughout whatever you agreed to do. This costs you energy and discomfort and is not necessary if you just say no when you need to.

So, how do you say no when you’ve made the decision? What you want to strive for is a simple no that is assertive and direct. For example, "No, I won't be able to help with that." No explanation is needed, but if you would like to offer one, make it short and simple. Such as, "No, I won't be able to help with that. I've already made a commitment for Friday afternoon." Always start your sentence with the word, "No." It's easier to keep the commitment to say, "No," if it's the first word out of your mouth.

Saying no won't be easy if you're used to saying yes all the time. But learning to say no is an important part of simplifying your way to a better, less stressful life. And people will still like you. You’ll see.

John Holt, Cornerstone Psychological Services (CPS). CPS is the district’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that offers five free counseling sessions per year to eligible employees and/or immediate family members. Call CPS at 540-9400 for information.